ULTIMATE /co/NIVERSE: What if? #2 (NSFW)

>Why? Because Signal was just handed a used tampon by Synapse.

this is false
you are false

The men, sufficiently scared away and Dr. Elephant or whatever I said before sufficiently aroused, began doing things. Some of them did science things while the other did grinding things. Sensual things. With other things. Use your imagination.

"Dr. Dala will be right with you," Dr. Egvsadfaqe said over the sounds of...you'll understand it when you're older.

who gives a crap
it's still disgusting

Being grinded on and having sensual things done to was clearly too much for this vampire. She flew high into the air, now undisturbed by anyone and watching what happens to Saho.

"Need a lift? Or are you fine on the ground?"

Contact was one of Saho's "Don't go there. Ever". And so...

His eyes glinted, only for a second and suddenly..

"Speed HELL: One Billion Knives." He shouts some stupid-sounding supermove thing. The screen(?) fades to black and nothing but lines gliding across the screen can be seen flashing purple. At the end, everyone around Saho was dead in what was the most unquestionable badass display of acrobatic knifeplay Signal ever, EVER saw. Saho stands admist all the blood, totally clean, and; true to the name, there are a SHITTON of knives all around him on the floor.

DISCLAIMER: Saho may or may not have actually used a billion knives.

Even when the lights go out, Signal can still see quite well. She watches Saho kill with such precision and ease that it amazed her and deserved nothing less than a round of applause. "Well, look at you! You could almost be a villain if you tried!"

She lowered herself to near the ground, looking nonchalantly at Synapse and at Saho and began to drain one of the dead man. This man... was a drinker. A heavy one. Three bottles a day, how did he not die of a failed liver yet?

Drinking intoxicated blood, as it would show eventually, would be a terrible idea that nips Signal in the butt. But not now. Now, she just looks at Saho with a stare of what is either fascination or hunger. Maybe both.

Probably both.

Dr. Baby Back Ribs, appalled (yet aroused) at the knifemanship, promptly fainted and landed in a pool of blood, overwhelmed by the sheer eroticism/horror. Such is life as an army doctor.

Meanwhile, one woman was giving an expert blowjob to an erect yet dismembered penis. Such is life as an army nurse. She's probably Dr. Amy G. Dala. And she's Asian I guess. Sexy Asian, not sumo-Asian. Unless you're into that? who even cares

The android i guess is trying to cuff the crazy guy because he is a serial murderer and violently psychotic

"...." Saho, remembering that even as a beta momma's boy....was still not only amazingly acrobatic but actually started his career as an ASSASSIN not a detective, and as such, knew a thing or two about murdering the fuck out of someone. He began to gain more confidence in himself, and, due to...uh....crazy hypno sex drugs in the guy's blood or something, walked over to Signal and put his arm behind her back, pulling her in close.

"iWASRAPEDASAKIDANDITKINDAFUCKEDMEUPBUTITTURNEDMEINTOAHUGEMASOCHOSTICANDOHMYGODVAMPIRESARESOHOTHURTMEMOMMY"

Says that. Also then the robot with handcuffs starts to approach him.

"Thats cool with me"

Not wanting her ace in the hole to be arrested, Signal grabs Saho as soon as the dead man is drained (admittedly, it took her a while to find the right artery) and lifted him into the air. Telekinesis was boring for some reason so she decided to carry him like a newlywed bride.

"Masochistic, huh? ...Honestly, I'm not a sadist, you'll have to find someone else to fulfill that. But..."

Signal began to whisper in his ear, "But I could try to satisfy... other things."

"Kyaaa!" Saho squeals like a newlywed bride and wraps his arms around the neck of Signal, blushing intently.

"O-onee-chan..."Also he uh....has a boner! And someone left the window open so the wind is blowing furiously, blowing both Signal's and Saho's hair dramatically and fabulously.

"Make me yours, my vampire queen!" He shouts out melodramatically.

"Queen. I like the sound of that. But first..." Signal quickly de-hoods Saho and, with her best romantic face, tells him, "I'd like to see the face of the man I'm about to suck his blood from."

He's actually rather pretty! But then, Signal has odd taste in men. She begins to lower her head, but stops and realizes that she still hasn't figured out where the artery is!

"Uh, where do I put my fangs again...?" Where was her sire when she needed him?

Saho points out the correct arteries with his fingers and began to swoon from being so close to her. His heart was pounding and yadayadayada.

"Just tell me, My Queen...will it hurt? Oh god, please say 'Yes'"

"Honestly, only if you'd like it to." Memorizing where Saho pointed... well, here goes. She bit down on his neck and began to drain him. It would probably be a painful process if he had heart problems or something. Whatever her hands were holding on tightened their grip.

Yes. This is delicious.

She stops half way to say something. "Now, from here I can simply drain you until you pass out... or I can turn you. Your choice. Because honestly, I'd rather you not go to waste."

"...Turn me...No-no...t-this is all too much! I-I'm terrified of woman!! I-I-Ican't this I can't!" [b]Saho struggles around in her arms, albeit dizzy from losing blood, thats when he feels...THAT.

"...What...y-you're a man?!"

Oh no. OH NO. It had to come to this. (Well, it technically came to that on the first page when she just strolled into the men's room and THERE HE WAS but oh well.)

"No. No, I am not a man. I am a girl... with a dick. Guys have balls with their dicks. Big difference." She nods. And in a softer voice usually very unlike her: "I just wanna be treated like a girl..."

Saho had a horrible, unnerving fear of women but....this was a futa! It's completely different! She could cure everything about him AND he wouldn't be terrified! It's the best thing that could happen to him

"Thats.....wonderful! My vampire Queen! I will treat you any way you want! If you're not a girl-then I don't have to be scared of you like my mother who raped me! I can accept that and everything about you! Oh god, for once things are great!" Saho then leaned closer to kiss....her(?) and, once again, the screen faded to black.

Saho and Signal somehow ended up in a completely different room, not in the air, and both were satisfied with what just transpired in the last few... how much time passed again?

Either way, she was inexperienced before this and now? He was a vampires. Funny how things work.

"...wow. What... what happened to me?" She looked at her own hands, and then looked over to Saho, who was now... well, he was still kinda pale, actually. "...um..."

This was terribly awkward. Everything about the event was... blurry.

Appearing out of...well, motherfucking nowhere, really, Zealot bursts through the ceiling, treating the building's...building materials as though they were soft velvetine sheets...yes...anyway, Zealot lands in the room, staring down at both of them.

"Late, had to go get ice cream. Anyway, bitten someone. Explain."

Crossing his arms across his chest and looking down at Signal, Zealot looks and...well, thinks, mad. Maybe he actually cares that she was in bed with this guy, and not just about the fact that she bit him? Eh. Probably not. Even wanting her cock, he's still crazy.

With the straightest face and calmest voice that Signal can manage, she tells Zealot, "He was dying and asked me to turn him. And then, somehow, we were in the throes of passion..."

Oh god, Signal was gonna die.

"...but I helped him overcome a crippling sense of self-worth in the process and he is a better man for it. Right, Saho?" She looked towards him with a single message in her eyes: 'HELP.'

"I love you my vampire Queen." Saho says, dazedly and smiling with a dumb look on his face to Signal; obviously still a bit out of it.

"Hm."

Zealot begins pacing around the room in the way someone only does before they do something that looks really cool. Moving forward to the bed and grabbing onto one of the wooden rails, he runs his hand over it gently, before tearing it out of the bed; now pacing around with that, he shakes his head.

"Throes of passion. Uh-huh. Did I tell you to create more monsters, Signal? I don't believe I did; now, did I tell you who you belonged to?"

Holding the ragged, long, pointy hunk of wood down like a rapier, he turns to stare at her.

"HEY, ZELLY!" Saho, you should try to think about this...

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU-wait...vampire? I'm a vampire? I don't WANT to be a vampire! Blood tastes like salty coins! I don't want to sparkle...but I need to defend my Queen...but how....how" Saho and Zealot were similar in one way: They were both crazy. I'm pretty sure Saho is smarter but that advantage doesn't seem to be very helpful here. He did have one other powerful tool though: 4rth Wall Awareness.

"Okay, Zelly!.....WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT THE WHOLE WORLD IN A BOTTLE?" Seriously?...well....I guess it's worth a shot

"Oh, no. I guess I'll just-"

Midway through his sentence, Zealot moves at super speed to grab and tear off a large, wooden hunk of the bed in the hand not holding the wooden sword and hurl it towards Saho.

Signal grabs the stake via telekinesis and strains herself. Goddamn that thing moves fast. Thank you, vampire reflexes.

"Before you kill us, we ARE at a government facility. Maybe they can find a way to revert us back to normal! And then we won't need to prey on humans!"

Someone might've piped up to side with the girl but everyone died.

Meanwhile, the android dutifully began sweeping up body parts with his super-broom attachment.

And then Saho, badass normal but normal none-the-less, dies. No he doesn't, because Signal saved him. So he rammed himself into it and DIED.

Yeah right. It turns out the Saho in this entire adventure was really just a clone made as a stand-in for Saho for situations deemed too dangerous. The real Saho Mange had long been so paranoid of the outside world that he grew and made these clones in his Batcave Sahomobile in order to live his outside life for him. How? Greatest Detective. What-If. Non-Canon. Fuck you. That's how.

So with a body double dead, the REAL Saho Mange stepped out from the shadow, 100% human. He then turned to Zealot and said

"OHMAIGOSH YOU'RE SO HOT CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH <33333?" He also then explains the things with the body-doubles because Saho is just THAT prepared. Prep time. Batgod. Etc

Now holding nothing but the wooden rapier, Zealot shrugs and continues pacing around the room, twirling the stick like a cane.

"Let's think for a moment about you, Signal. About how you're a monster, and how you're willing to make other people monsters; about how you disguise that as...passion."

His muscles surge at the last word, quickly leaving easily made crenelations within the grip of the wood. Looking down and holding the stake like a true slasher, a smile overcomes his face.

Uh-oh. His thoughts aren't too good.