The Edgyverse

Synapse leapt from the skyscraper in the direction of a disturbance landing with a massive thud in an equally massive crater, smack dab in front of a crazed, demented woman brandishing a broken vodka bottle at an elderly grandmother.

Alas, he miscalculated and landed on top of the woman, killing her instantly. Still, his candy-spewing harlot would pay for accidentally causing her death. Pay the ultimate price, in the ultimate universe.

The robot's fall surprised the bear. Goddamn, that thing moved quickly. It's a good thing he's a bear, or he might've had a heart attack. The bear snarled, telepathically questioning the new arrival. "HERO OR VILLAIN, DIRTBAG?"

Boogie Knight arrived in the city for the first time, blasting Acid Bath for all to hear, and smoking a cigarette.

"I suppose this joint's as good of place as any to settle down"

Boogie Knight didn't like to talk about the last town he stayed in. If there was one thing he'd say about his last home, it's that it taught him never to take off his armor again.

Vladimir Victor Vasily Varick Von Valencruz felt a little insulted at these two fags for just running off. He understood he was terrifying, but that's just rude. Valencruz took out a cellphone and speed dialed The Hand's, or, more importantly, someone who works there.

"Hey fag, tell The Hand Vladimir Victor Vasily Varick Von Valencruz has sight on some crime buster, orders? Oh, and if you knock first I'll turn your youngest family member into a vampire and force them to anally rape your entire family tree, and eat them. Not necessarily in that order." And hung up, then threw his cellphone with vampire strength into the head of some faggot walking down the street, needless to say, his head exploded.

He knew The Hand would call back on his second cellphone.

The android's interest was piqued at the voice seemingly coming from nowhere. He glanced around, noticing a hulking brute with a prominent snout bearing down on him. Same body temperature as a human, but snarling and sputtering as well. Unable recognize faces, the machine was puzzled as to to the nature of this creature. In response, the machine replied:

"Sir or madam, what are you?"

The bear looked slightly insulted. "I. AM. A BEEEEAEAAEAEAAEEEAR." It cried into his mind, slashing the sugar bending woman in the chest, hard enough to send her flying, but not hard enough to kill.

The creature's words howled into Synapse's mind. Now realizing full well that the beast was a threat, the machine charged it's hands with crackling electricity and charged at the creature.

The bear, in a fit of rage, punched the electric robot.
And knocked it's block off.

The head, still living, crashed through a building in the distance, and the body went scrambling after.

"MUST CLEAN CITY."

"Hey, it's The Hand headquarters. These are the guys that made me my armor. Maybe I should pay 'em a visit and thank 'em for the quality all-American job they did."

Boogie Knight walked up the street towards Hand HQ, but before he could get there he noticed something. In an apartment window, he saw a man beating his wife. That shit just don't fly with the Boogie Knight. He used his retractable grappling hooks (which work in pretty much the same way as Spidey's webs) to gain access to the second story of the building, and began playing his theme after slipping his smokescreen through the open window. The heavenly chords in his theme song, of course, being quite ironic.

Finally, he made his entrance, "You hear this song? It's upbeat, wouldn't you say? Well, it's the song you best learn to fear more than anything. This song? It means that the Boogie Knight has arrived, and that he's anything but happy."

"The Boogie Knight?" questioned the abusive man, "Why would you pick a name like that?"

"I picked it... because I'm the motherfucking Boogieman." The man's head was now filled with the highest screeching sound a man can hear. So intense and painful that his brain began to shut down to cope. The man landed on the floor with a thud. Rest assured, he wouldn't be getting back up.

"And you, missy, have to learn to stand up for yourself next time. Consider this your warning."

His smokescreen went off again, and the Boogie Knight was gone. Back on his short trek to Hand HQ

The Hand had barely recovered from his rage by being insulted by the first messenger when another one comes bursting into his office. He quickly stammered that Vladimir Victor Vasily Varick Von Valencruz had located heroes and was about the engage. The Hand sat quietly , his face completely devoid of emotion when he told the messenger that because of this insult that his entire family who be sodomized, forced to sodomize themselves, have all their limbs slowly filed away, then dropped off in the middle of Edgy Africa to be sodomized by the animals there until The Hand would decide to activate a chemical agent in their chest that would slowly burn their skin off at which point they would finally died. When he exclaimed he was just doing as he was told and that he was The Hand's cousin The Hand replied: I am too edgy to give a fuck then chugged a bottle of straight PCP.

Agent woke p in a daze.
It'd been 3 hours since his last drink and the nightmares were returning; horrible things done to him by a young, supple, hairless boy who was experienced beyond his years.
He needed him, wanted him, hated him, loathed him.
He wanted to murder and embrace all in one torrid moment of passion.
It sickened him.
Gays were the worst minority, the most despicable. He need a whore's asshole to reconfirm his straight-ness.

Agent stumbled aimlessly through the city.

"Fuck it," Boogie Knight said, "I'm too edgy to be known as Boogie Knight. I shall now be known as the Boogie Man"

The Boogie Man entered HAND HQ, and confronted The Hand, who did not look pleased to see him.

"Why hello, Mr. Hand. Remember me? Remember this suit? It's yours. You know, you did such a fine job with it- it's almost a shame that I stole it instead of paying full retail for it. Almost. But you know what, I feel bad for completely ripping you off, what say I help you out. I'm new in town, I'm looking for my niche. I want to be... a 'happy and productive member of the community' and you seem like the kind of guy who can help me with that."

Psybear wrote:

The bear, in a fit of rage, punched the electric robot.
And knocked it's block off.

The head, still living, crashed through a building in the distance, and the body went scrambling after.

"MUST CLEAN CITY."

Spoiler:

Fortunately, Synapse's body was able to track it's detached head, and had some degree of autonomy.
When it happened upon the head, it was being used by some grade-schoolers playing kick-the-can with it, who Synapse promptly executed to retrieve his cranial case.

That bear was clearly an enemy of justice, and would pay for his interference in affairs of the justice kind.

Synapse wrote:

Psybear wrote:

The bear, in a fit of rage, punched the electric robot.
And knocked it's block off.

The head, still living, crashed through a building in the distance, and the body went scrambling after.

"MUST CLEAN CITY."

Spoiler:

Fortunately, Synapse's body was able to track it's detached head, and had some degree of autonomy.
When it happened upon the head, it was being used by some grade-schoolers playing kick-the-can with it, who Synapse promptly executed to retrieve his cranial case.

That bear was clearly an enemy of justice, and would pay for his interference in affairs of the justice kind.

Spoiler:

The bear continued it's wandering justice-spree, on the lookout for any trace of the so-called "hand". This man was truly an enemy of justice if one existed, and he was to suffer a terrible, terrible fate.

An entire city block drops dead as Sugar Shock overloads their bodies with sugar on a whim.

Boogie Knight wrote:

"Fuck it," Boogie Knight said, "I'm too edgy to be known as Boogie Knight. I shall now be known as the Boogie Man"

The Boogie Man entered HAND HQ, and confronted The Hand, who did not look pleased to see him.

"Why hello, Mr. Hand. Remember me? Remember this suit? It's yours. You know, you did such a fine job with it- it's almost a shame that I stole it instead of paying full retail for it. Almost. But you know what, I feel bad for completely ripping you off, what say I help you out. I'm new in town, I'm looking for my niche. I want to be... a 'happy and productive member of the community' and you seem like the kind of guy who can help me with that."

Normally I sodomize people with their own head for stealing my shit but the fact the suit hasn't made you competently insane means you can be of use to me....possibly. Here's the thing there is a bear running amok in my city. I want you decapitate this bear fuck its throat then eat its vital organs in front of the general population. If you do this there will be an open position for you. If not well lets not get into what will happen if you fail. Actually no if you fail I will shove a rusted pipe down your dickhole while your ribcage is opened up and eaten in front of you. Now get out of my building.

"Sounds like an interesting proposal. I'll see what I can do." Then, Boogie Man jet packed out of the building (because he now has jetpacks that run on children's tears)

Wrangling a bear? That's small time. What Boogie Man needs is a full time gig. Maybe he'll take care of the bear if it's convenient for him, but until then, Boogie Man needs something more. And he just found it...

"You there, miss. Miss sugar-person. Hello," Boogie Man tried to grab her attention, "I couldn't help but notice that you just killed an entire block of people. Now, I'm willing to look past that if you consider my proposal. You see, I'm looking for a niche in this here town, and it looks like you could use... some help. seriously, you look like you need some help. Annnd, I think I could provide it for you. What do you say? You like killing people, I like killing people, we'd make a great team. Plus, I have access to... whatever the hell it is you need to make it through the day, yeesh."

In the Police HQ, a stray police scanner went off. An entire city block just dropped dead. That had to be a super. Detective Ramirez ran off to the garage and hopped on a police bike, screaming down the dirty streets towards the disturbance. A young women stood in the middle of the street, surrounded by dead bodies. He readied his pistol, looking around for the villain who caused this atrocity.

"Ma'am, did you see what happened here? Are you okay?"

The bear, sniffing the air, smelled prostitution, which is a smell now too. Rushing the direction of the smell, he stopped and hid, peeking out to see the sniper from earlier and some fag in a purple suit both attempting to get into the candywoman's pants.

Firmly fastening his head on his neck, Synapse glanced upwards, noticing what appeared to be a human...flying. Curious, he followed, at the same time Googling how anyone could be capable of flights. Amazon yielded no results. Annoyed, he shut off his WiFi connection. Perhaps in addition to not bogging him down with inane bullshit, it would prevent the telepathic beast from getting the drop on him again.

Swiftly but surely, the machine leapt up in the sky, making large jumps in order to pursue the flyboy.

Screaming in nonsensical anger, Zealot thrashes around on the ground. Slowly approaching the edgy singularity, he flies off towards an unrelated city, grabbing it by its ground and lifting it. Bellowing hateful yells before making sure that this city is completely unimportant so the writers won't have to deal with any continuity errors, he hefts it up and throws it into the ocean, drowning everything. He zooms back towards normal city, edgy but not edgy enough to actually effect anything else of importance in any material way.

Sugar Shock looked up from puking again. Someone was talking to her. She looked around, posing so that both her ample breasts and butt were in full view of a non-existant panel. She tried to focus, to see clearly in this world of blurred vision and even blurrier reality.
"what?" She slurred at the stranger.

Sexually frustrated, Agent had to look for another way to get his kicks.

Melrah was the poorest of the poor neighbourhoods; a stirring pot of drugs, whores, and minorities.
There was a gunfight every hour and usually a few more just to make sure the sound of shots ringing through the air would never cease.

Agent was off to hunt some apes*

*Agent's writer takes no responsibility for the horrible things that Agent does. Agent is an independent contractor who's views do not reflect those of Fox broadcasting.

Hmm, you seem to have severed your spine. Luckily I have some painkillers on me at all times (because the world, she is so painful)

So is it a deal? Make your mind up quick, I have an appointment to meet up with a psychic bear to beat up a robot in like 10 minutes.

Sugar Shock's wasted brain vaugely registered the word deal? This guy was a dealer? Perfect!
"Deal!" she cried, throwing herself into his arms.